


it always will be you

by chameleonmikey



Series: sad stuff [3]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-03 15:32:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2855987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chameleonmikey/pseuds/chameleonmikey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>calum,</p><p>the rain is making me sad.</p><p>michael</p>
            </blockquote>





	it always will be you

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me on tumblr @ chameleonmikey

calum,

hi. i don’t really know what to say. my therapist told me this might help me but i don’t really see how it can. i’m gonna try it though, because i’m reckless like that. so, yeah. hi. i miss you. 

i’ve been stuck on how unfair this is. you were so young, so young, calum, only eighteen. the guy who hit you was old. i don’t know how old, i just know he was old. and he was the one who survived. he probably has ten more years to live. you had eighty. how is it fair that you were the one who died and he was the one who lived? it was his fault, too. i just. i just can’t wrap my mind around it. 

and i know it’s really selfish, but i hate him and i hate you and i hate cars and i hate god, even though i don’t even really believe in him, for taking you away from me. sorry. 

anyways, yeah, i miss you. love you. always.

michael

x

calum, 

luke came over today. he pulled the blinds and i cried, not because i wanted to, but because i hadn’t seen sunlight for so long and i just couldn’t help it. it was so bright, but i don’t want anything to be bright without you. 

michael

x

calum, 

i miss seeing your beautiful face every day. honestly, you were so beautiful. some days, i was jealous, because you were so much more good looking than me and i just wanted to look like you, but most days… most days i was just so taken away by your beauty. you were like a god and all i wanted to do was worship you.

i can’t stand thinking about you, in the ground, your body disintegrating. fuck. i’m sorry. there’s too many tears on this god damn piece of paper.

i love you

michael

x

calum, 

i went out today. more like ashton and luke dragged me out, but same thing. they said i was getting so pale they could almost see through me. we went and got lunch and i guess it was nice enough, but it just wasn’t the same without you. 

it wasn’t just me either. i know the boys felt it. conversation was forced, and nobody smiled for real. we’re broken without you, cal. we’re not c.a.l.m, we just…… we’re nothing. you bring us together. 

when i got home, i changed my facebook relationship status to single. it still said i was in a relationship with you. i didn’t want to change it, but i broke down every time i saw it, and my mother and therapist both thought it was bad i kept it there, so. yeah.

god, cal, you should see your facebook. it’s full of stupid posts from people i know you didn’t even like, people who didn’t like you until you died, and people who didn’t bother to contact you for years until you.. until you couldn’t contact them back.

so yeah, it’s all bullshit. your mom made a post though. it made me cry. a long paragraph. i think it was only for our benefit, really. nice memories. to drown out all the ‘wish i could’ve known ya better bro’ posts, you know?

luke posted an ‘i love you’ and ashton posted a heart. they both made me cry, too. somehow, those three words and that symbol are so much more heartfelt and emotional than the essays some people wrote about how much they loved you. 

i haven’t posted anything. i’m sorry. but i don’t need to. you knew i loved you. i still do. 

wow. this letter is really long. my therapist is going to be proud.

michael

x

calum,

i thought i was getting better any, gonna be able to move on, but i’m not and i can’t. i had a breakdown today. it was worse than any panic attack, nervous breakdown, or depression bout i’ve ever had.

it sucked. i called your mom. we cried together over the phone. it was weirdly nice.

x

calum,

fuck you

michael

x

calum, 

i saw mali today. she hugged me for a really long time. i think we both really needed it, and neither of us wanted to pull away. it was like i was holding onto you, holding onto mali, and mali was holding onto you, holding onto me. does that make sense? i think it does. 

michael

x

calum,

i went and got drunk today. without luke and ashton. i dunno. i heard about some party the town over on twitter, so i went. i just needed to get out, do something stupid, and forget just for one moment. my own mind was driving me crazy with thoughts of you and i just needed it to shut up for a little bit. 

i drunk way too much. i don’t think i’ve ever drunk that much before. i was drinking vodka straight from the bottle until it got so bad that a stranger stopped me, worried i was going to kill myself. i wouldn’t have minded if i killed myself, to be honest. 

i fucked some girl. i’m sorry. i feel like i need to apologize, even though i know it’s what you would have wanted, anyway. but all i could think during was that she wasn’t as beautiful as you, she wasn’t as caring as you, she wasn’t as sexy as you, her moans weren’t as hot as yours, her body didn’t drive me crazy like yours. i think i cried a little. i’m not really sure. i don’t remember anything, really, except for thinking about you and little bits of fucking her. 

i love you. i really do, but you fucked me up. i don’t think i’m going to be with anyone else ever again. i’m only 19, calum. how could you do this to me?

michael

x

calum, 

i hate you

michael

x

calum, 

i’m sorry. 

michael

x

calum,

luke yelled at me today. like, full on yelled at me. i don’t think i’ve ever heard this voice that loud. ashton started crying, but i just sat there. luke yelled about how i couldn’t waste my life away, and how i had to snap out of it, and how they were hurting too, but they got on with their lives.

but the end of it, luke was crying, too. i wasn’t though. i didn’t have any tears left. i used them all up last night. 

michael

x

calum, 

i stopped going to therapy about a week ago. ashton came today to make me go. apparently when i wouldn’t answer my therapists calls, she rung my mom, who rung ash, because she knew ash would be able to make me go better than she could. 

it sucked. all my therapist wants to talk about is ‘how are you feeling’ and ‘can you compare your feelings to a song’ and ‘what do you want to tell calum today.’ she talks about you like she knows you and it drives me insane. 

she doesn’t know you. those bullshit people who posted - are still god damn posting - on your facebook don’t know you. your family doesn’t know you. luke and ashton don’t know you. only you know you. but now you’re dead. 

so, of everyone left living, i’m the one who knows you the best. knew. knew you the best.

i knew what all of your different expressions meant, could tell if it was going to be a good or a bad morning from a one second glance at your face. i knew your life story. i knew how you took your coffee. i knew what places drove you crazy when i kissed them. 

i knew every mark on your body, the ones you liked, and the ones you didn’t. i knew your what your favourite book was when you were six, and i knew what your last favourite book was.

i knew how you secretly slept with your bass sometimes. i knew the reason you liked to cuddle so much. i knew what music you kept hidden deep on your ipod because you were embarrassed by it. i knew how in love you were with me just by looking into your eyes.

i still know all of that, and sososososososo much more - i could write novels and novels on everything i know about you - but it’s just not the same anymore. the information doesn’t help me treat you how you needed to be treated a specific day, or help me give you happiness, or make me feel connected to you.

it just makes me sad. i wish i could forget it all. i wish i could forget you.

michael

x

calum,

i love you. i didn’t leave the house today. nothing unusual. i love you.

michael

x

calum, 

i don’t think i can keep going much longer. i just feel so empty all the time. you died, and you took everything good about me with you. 

michael

x

calum,

i just got back from the hospital. i’m okay. luke found me. there was a lot of crying from everyone who bothers to talk to me. that list has shrunk a lot since you died. it’s only luke, ash, and our families now. 

anyways, i’m fine. well, like, physically fine. they held me for a few days, but i’m home now. i’m gonna spare you the details. luke, and ash, and my mom, and your mom check in on me a few times a day. it’s kinda driving me crazy. i’m pretty sure they have a group chat where they’re like ‘ur turn to check up on mike.’ urgh. 

i’m on more pills than before, and people are trying to make me feel more loved, and other stuff. but i just feel worse. i was so close to you, and luke and those stupid doctors stopped me. 

i just want to hug you.

michael 

x

calum,

i wrote you a song today. i played it for luke and ashton. they were crying by the end of the first verse. 

michael

x

calum,

i think i might have met someone else. i’m sorry but i’m also happy.

michael

x

calum,

never mind.

michael

x

calum,

the rain is making me sad.

michael

x

calum,

i miss the way your arms felt around my waist, and how you would kiss me on the neck from behind. i miss the way you knew just when i needed comfort, and grabbed my hand, and squeezed it at just the right pressure.

i miss the way you would sometimes wake me up with a blow job or pancakes. i don’t know which i miss more. i miss the way your smile could brighten up even my shittiest mood. i miss the way you would always choose me over anything. i don’t have anyone left who does that.

i miss the way that when i wanted to spend all day in bed, you would join me, with tea and cuddles. i miss the way you talked me out of stupid things. i’ve done a lot of stupid things since you left. 

i miss the way you made me feel butterflies every day, even though i’d been with you since we were like 15, and i’d known you for so much longer.

i just really miss you.

michael

x

calum, 

see you soon.

michael.


End file.
